Stories have so much to tell...

The fascinating story of the three wise men/kings who each followed a star which led them to the ruler Herod's palace looking for the special child who was to save and help mankind. 

Whether the story is fully, partly or not at all true, to me is not important. It's what the story does to us that's important. 

The wise men capture my imagination, that they would travel from afar, that they would honour a child with the most expensive gifts. It reminds me of how sometimes there is something that we know we need to do even though it might be out of the ordinary, even though others might think we're gullible, wasting our time or 'barking up the wrong tree'.

Once we start looking, there are so many amazing pioneers who have risked looking foolish in order to follow their 'vision' or dream. Artists and poets who only were 'discovered' after their death, perhaps too many people were jealous of them when they were alive and so they didn't get a chance to be appreciated. 

Of course we all need appreciation, but sometimes it's when we open ourselves to that creative, loving force and presence within ourselves and around us that we enjoy life. Having the admiration of many doesn't necessarily make us happy as we have seen with many well loved artists e.g. Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston who struggled with and died alone by their dependence on drugs.

We decide which stories we take an interest in and what we focus on in those stories. By focusing on hopeful stories that reflect forgiveness and goodness we are opening ourselves to that beautiful, loving presence accessible to everyone who wants it.

Where is the sun..

Isn't the sun such an experience of love, relaxation and beauty, such a lift and sense of freedom that when we don't experience it many of us struggle. My 'uplifting' nature walk is dull until I experience the sunlight.

I've had to learn to tune into the sun above the clouds, to thank the loving presence for being always present as is the sun above the clouds. I sympathise with the diligent people who built the Newgrange grand passage tomb more than 5200 years ago to capture the sunlight starting to return when the days got longer around 21st of December. I however need the sun on a daily basis. So what do I do?

Yes, I tune in to the sunlight which energises us all, which helps growth, boosts our immune system and lifts our depression. And when I don't see it I relive the strong experience I had in Lanzarote some years ago when I lay down on the hot beach, listening to the sound of the waves and bathing in the sunlight. Total bliss and relaxation. And it gives me joy. So who cares if people think I'm crazy? Who cares if for a few moments I live in a fantasy world if this relaxes me, boosts my immune system and lifts away depressive feelings? 

To me the sun carries enthusiasm and energy and I pray that we will all have enthusiasm and energy for the day. That all of man- and woman- and animal kind will be on fire with that overwhelming power of goodness, warmth, generosity and gratitude that is an accessible reality and experience to anyone who wishes to partake it in. Let's do it. Let's look beyond the veil and partake!

Who am I?

The advantage of a lockdown and not being allowed to go anywhere unless one is an essential or front-line worker is the time one has to look into other people's lives and views. This morning I was deeply moved by a new documentary about Prins Henrik, the recently diseased French husband of Danish Queen Margrethe and the struggle he had to feel at home in Denmark due to the lack of definition of his role. 

The footage of the couple is deeply moving from the point of view of their obvious great love for each other. Prince Henrik was a very present father to their two sons. He had dreamt of becoming a pianist but his father hadn't approved and he ended up becoming a diplomat after having served time in the French army. 

He seemed to have struggled his whole life with not having a clear identity within the Danish Royalty apart from being the Queen's husband and a father and grand-father. At one point when his oldest son took on the Queen's duties and he himself was 'demoted' he fled to France as he felt humiliated and hurt. However, the Queen and boys followed him and he returned after three weeks.

What is moving in the documentary though is that Henrik little by little starts to enjoy his life more and not care so much about the public perception or his own identity. I am guessing that he discovered that greater, permeating love and goodness within himself and around him that enabled him to say that he was proud that Margrethe and he had a 40 year+ harmonious marriage and that the most important thing in life is to spread joy. That in the end the goal is to make everyone happy. A life well lived is it not?

Getting out of bed..

Getting out of bed isn't easy when you're nice and comfortable and nobody expects you to be anywhere at any particular time, as might be the case for a number of us during the stay-at-home lockdown. It being the cold and dark time of year, all good intentions of a healthy and energetic start to the day can quickly fade into the background, especially if one is also nursing some sort of injury whether it be physical or emotional.

For me, somehow getting out into nature is a good start to the day, it gives me the opportunity to tune in to the bigger picture, that loving presence which is so easily overshadowed by the survival instinct of wanting to make an impact, wanting to get things done. Worry about the future, of not being heard, not being seen, not leaving something valuable behind on this earth. 

And I think of the many people who are not being heard, nor seen nor taken seriously. Those who toil for the rest of us in overcrowded factories, exploited in rice-fields or living in overcrowded, unhygienic circumstances. What change have I made to their lives, how have I helped set them free? I don't know how they ended up in those situations, I cannot choose for them. But I do know that there is a permeating, loving presence available to everyone of us. 

A loving presence that can give us courage, like Harriet Tubman who courageously escaped slavery and then risked her own life again and again to smuggle out hundreds of other slaves. Or Anthony Ray Hinton who spent thirty years on death row for a crime he didn't commit, yet opened himself up to loving and caring for his inmates and forgiving those who had deliberately put him away. He tapped into that loving presence within himself and around him in spite of suffering cruelty by prison-guards and judges.

We may not live in extreme circumstances, and yet we all get a new chance every day to tune into that loving presence of care and goodness which exists deep within ourselves and others. The happiness we get from living in that world of love and care for ourselves and others, from being altruistic and serving each other, not at the expense of ourselves but in harmony with our talents and energies. Tapping in to our character strengths and using them for the betterment of mankind in whatever situation we're in right now.

And so I look at nature, how, the tree that freely gives of itself to the benefit of the earth and its inhabitants. Bursting with colour and freshness in spring, giving us oxygen, store carbon, and providing us material for tools and shelter. There is no end to the importance of the trees. Yet, they simply stand there and do their thing, come rain, hail or storm, they keep giving and giving, transforming whatever nutrition they can take out of the soil, whatever light and water they can absorb. And so I pray that all of us will serve each other, will serve mankind with the same selfless energy and beauty as the trees. That I will serve mankind, my neighbours and family with that same altruism and care. 

Dismantling our helplessness

So this 'mystery' of a loving, good, altruistic presence permeating all things and all creatures. Not forcing itself upon us, having to be invited into our consciousness in order to flourish and make deeper roots. 

We're so easily overcome by our survival instinct prompting us to worry about something or somebody. But what if the answer to all worry is to invite in that loving presence? What if trusting that we'll have enough, that we'll be okay, that life is good actually brings it about? Our trust brings in the loving presence who'll take care of us in whatever shape it might appear. Through other people or directly?

Not that we would be passively waiting for everything to be handed to us. No, we'd use the skills and understanding that we've been given, assuming that whatever is missing will somehow be added by 'providence'. Research around well-being and faith in something bigger than ourselves, shows that the person who believes in a punitive God/superior force, or in being a helpless victim usually ends up with mental problems. The person however, who believes is a fifty-fifty relationship where they do their best and expect God/providence/a loving presence to do the rest experience high well-being and hope.

But it can be difficult. Most of us are products of 'learned helplessness' in some area of our life. We're programmed by some childhood experience of being helpless and then might continue programming ourselves to further helplessness by our unconscious belief that there is something we cannot do when in reality we might be very good at it if we got a chance to develop that skill.

While I love my father dearly, he did trigger a helplessness in me regarding being able to change somebody's mind. I remember him physically punishing my brother for wetting the bed and I objecting to it but being dismissed as irrelevant and unable to make a difference for my brother. It's only later when I look back that I can see how that has stopped me from speaking up against anybody with a strong opinion. I straight away feel that there's no point and so I avoid conversations with anyone who has a strong opinion because I haven't developed the skill of negotiating.

I admire people who are able to speak their mind independent of what other people think or feel. Thankfully, I have other skills and that might be what happens for a lot of us, we put our energy where we feel we can make more of a difference, but we need to be careful all the same, that we don't do it at the expense of our well-being and happiness.

At one point in my life when I was challenged by a friendship that didn't work out the way I expected a close friend asked me 'What do you want?' That was something I had put into the background for a long time, a helplessness around my ability to listen to what I would enjoy, what I wanted to do with my time and energy. My friend's question set me free to open myself to a more enjoyable life where rather than depending on others to lead the way, I started to listen to my inner sense of enjoyment and peace. I started to climb mountains, to write, to reach out to people in the neighbourhood.

So I have been fortunate in coming across people who encouraged me to develop beyond my helplessness even though sometimes I limit myself much more than what I need to, thinking that I'm stuck somewhere when really I'm not, I just think I am.

But I do understand how easy it is to buy into helplessness, especially if we have grown up in an environment of helplessness which is often the case with people caught in addiction, mental illness or depression. And I feel for you, and I know it doesn't feel like it, but there is a loving, caring presence within you & around you. Open yourself to that embrace of goodness and love and you will experience it in abundance. Use the gratitude skill, look for something good somewhere. That's a start, and then keep going. You can do this. We can do this. If you need my help write me an email: avlund.dk@gmail.com and together we'll think of some way of you entering this adventure, that your life becomes when your helplessness is transformed into power and freedom.

There is a loving presence....

You have experienced it already..

I've made a promise to delve into the mystery of that loving presence which I maintain that anyone, who wishes to, can experience at any given moment, once opening oneself up to it. Also I maintain that it's tuning in to this loving presence that creates well-being and happiness in our lives. 

This morning of course, I'm thinking 'What have I gotten into, promising to write this daily blog for a month?  I'm going to appear a fool 1) if I don't keep my promise 2) for writing something nobody can relate to and 3) for not having an audience - just satisfying my own need to feel I'm somebody..' Anxiety, I think, it's called.

The hugely successful frontline singer of the Irish band Kodaline, Steve Garrigan opens up about his social anxiety in RTE interviews and a number of other contexts admitting his inability to love being the front-line singer when he is off stage. While he loves being on stage, off stage, he's an introvert and has to make sure he says 'no' when he doesn't feel up to talking after a show.

To me the answer to anxiety is to tune in to this loving permeating presence and in the end I believe this is what we all do, we might call it by other names but it's the same amazing loving presence that permeates all and everything. Steve Garrigan said, what helped him was opening up to friends. Trusted friends, isn't that why we're friends with anyone, we experience that loving presence of acceptance and care from them? He also mentions that not drinking too much and being on a healthy diet and getting exercise help keep him well.

Isn't that the permeating love shining through: the genuine love for ourselves that we need to tap in to? I hurt my back a few days ago but instead of allowing my poor back some rest I insisted on going on not one, which was okay, but two big cycle trips before the lockdown that I knew was coming. I paid a high price for those trips as my back locked itself into a painful entity that made it nearly impossible to move without pain.

After giving out to myself for my foolishness, however, I started asking myself 'what is the loving message to me? I can't cycle, run or even walk for the moment, never mind using the rowing machine that I've gotten so fond off over the past few weeks'. Whilst going over solutions to my pain and dealing with the prospect of an inactive life that I wouldn't enjoy, I started to accept that I had to give my back some rest.

Instead of trying to go for my normal morning run/walk and stretching exercises, I needed to simply rest. I accepted a friend's advice to get some homeopatic remedy, to bathe in epsom salts and to believe that there was a message in all this for me. A loving message. And then it dawned on me: whilst I teach Wellbeing & Happiness skills based on Positive Psychology, the direct road to wellbeing is to open ourselves to that ever-present presence of love and goodness which permeates the world. That is the message I'm being asked to share.

Suddenly, my back is better and I can choose how I interpret that: I can believe that time and rest heal, and yes, that is true but I can also be honest and share my awareness of that loving presence which I experience whenever I take a moment to open myself towards its existence. That the purpose of my pain is not only that I may rest and open myself to a different direction, but that I will take time out to share the reality of that loving, permeating presence which is everywhere and can be experienced at any time.

If that's true, why doesn't everyone talk about it? Why didn't my mother who suffered with anxiety and depression just open herself up to that presence? Why is there anxiety and depression, self-harm and suicide when people could just open themselves to this loving presence and snap out of those negative thought-patterns and consequent feelings?

That's the thing about love, it doesn't force itself, it doesn't enter the house without an invitation. It is of course there, as it is everywhere, in every creation and creature and it has billions of faces as love in one situation is unique to that particular situation. Love is present to the extent that we invite it in. If we choose to ignore it, we can, but more than likely we have already accepted it into our lives in millions of ways through our parents, friends and society who have opened up to goodness and love in so many different ways.

However, we've all had non-loving experiences, some a lot more than others. Many people are haunted by addiction, mental illnesses and post-traumatic stress disorders. We all need help to open ourselves towards that loving presence and if we have strong experiences of the lack of love in one or many situations, have experiences of evil through physical or mental abuse by ourselves or by others, it can be more difficult to discover that loving presence. It's as if our bodies and minds have been imprinted with a default position of mainly doubting the presence of love due to our negative experiences and thought-patterns.

Positive psychology studies how we human beings function regarding wellbeing and happiness. It seems that people who have healthy minds and get on well with others, they focus on the positives several times more than the negatives. In lasting relationships, it's the balance of five positive communications to one negative communication that enables a relationship to survive all the challenges that otherwise might break up a relationship.

In other words, we need a predominantly positive mind and communication to stay well. This can be difficult if we surround ourselves with 'negative' people. The 'negative' persons in our lives might very well be permeated with love also, in a number of ways and that's why we have not cut them out of our lives already, but their understanding regarding love might be very different to ours and that's why they may not be good for us. 

Perhaps, in small doses, yes, but in order for us to keep a positive mind and communication we might have to set down strong boundaries and allow ourselves to spend a lot more time in an environment of encouragement and freedom, which is different from 'going with the flow' that we're in for the moment.

We might need to set up some encouraging habits for ourselves that'll help us realise how lovable we are and how powerful we can become in bringing that love into other people's lives.

We are all invited to open ourselves to that powerful loving presence within ourselves and all around us and we choose to what extent we allow it in. I believe however that there is an abundance of evidence showing us, that the more we open ourselves to that real goodness and loving presence the happier and healthier we will be.

Love Everything about Our Life

To love everything about our life might sound a bit far fetched if things are not going our way; we are not looking the way we wish nor befriending the people that gives us status and the list goes on.

Yet, by loving everything about our life we do look the way we want and we do have the friends that support in the best way they know how to. It may sound corny, but it works. Choosing to love puts us into an elevated space where likes and dislikes fade into to background. 

Life is too short to not to embrace and work with how we look, who we are and the people around us.

Life can be full of blessings when we start noticing the many miracles and gifts that surrounds. Today I experienced a beautiful wild garden

It wasn't particularly sunny, initially I didn't feel like going out and enjoying the day but I decided to be thankful for the day anyway. As I was walking along enjoying the beauty I realised that there is a whole eco system to respect and we need the clouds and the light (and heavy) rain to keep this island green. 

Loving something doesn't initially means liking something but when we choose to love we might discover something to like.